My Life As A Safety Hazard
Hi! I’m Doug, and I am a safety hazard. Basically my life’s purpose it to make your life a LITTLE less safe every day, but let me tell you, all of the new safety features on the Nissan Rogue Sport is making it kinda hard for me to do my job. I have worked hundreds of years perfecting my craft and now that’s all but ruined since you got that car yesterday. Like, this vehicle MUST be a mind reader because every punch I throw, the Rogue is 10 steps ahead. It’s rather frustrating.
Today I started my day the same as any other day, by being the car in front of you, distracted by my music stopping short at a red light. Just enough for a teeny tiny fender bender. Really it’s my perfect way to start a day, nice and simple. As I waited for your car to make contact, I realized nothing was going to happen. The Rogue sensed my car stopping short and alerted you with a few beeps and stopped well before your car could make contact with the additional brake assist. That’s odd. I was, naturally, let down, but I wasn’t about to let this little hiccup ruin my perfectly good day. I continued on to my next scheduled safety incident with a little absent-minded driving behind you as you pulled out of a parking spot. I mean, my execution was flawless. Other cars were in the way, you could not possibly see my car coming. I was golden and back on track to my perfect day of disrupting safety. BUT AGAIN, nothing. That darn Rogue beeped again and alerted you that my car was near so that you could stop before we collided. This was getting ridiculous. At this point, I’m starting to get a bit nervous. Not one accident and it’s after lunch time. I don’t have a lot of daytime left to create an unsafe environment. I decided to pull out my surefire safety hazard, the blind spot merge. Again, perfect execution. There was no possible way you could see me coming. I waited for you to be ready to merge then I sped up just enough to create a bit of an accident, but your car paused to let me drive past. NOTHING. Not even a scratch. How is this vehicle doing this? Like, honestly, it’s putting me out of work!Now I’m just flat out frantic. In a desperate act I pulled out my last stop: The pedestrian with headphones in crossing the street. Again, I waited until just the right moment to step into the road. I was behind a larger vehicle so it was clear you had no chance of seeing me. My plan was a bit bolder than I prefer, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Just when I thought that I had for sure done it, your car stopped. Are you serious? How?! How is that even possible?! Well, I hope your happy, Nissan Rogue Sport. I am at risk of losing my job as a safety hazard and it’s entirely your fault. Like, what am I supposed to do here? There isn’t exactly a list of jobs available for people who are accident prone by nature! Who would have thought that after hundreds of years of perfecting my craft, one Rogue car would come along and mess it all up!
